a breakfast smoothie saga

April 22, 2015

Alrighty my friends, I apologize right out of the gate for actually subjecting you to a post about my made up breakfast smoothie. Because.....meh, smoothies. I cringe when I see smoothie after smoothie on Pinterest. There are so many, yes? Why are there so many? When they all basically taste the same? And yet still they come, smoothie after smoothie. You know what I'm waiting for, that I haven't seen yet?? CRAB-APPLE SMOOTHIE. Show me that, internet gods. Show me something I haven't seen before. (actually I'm going show you one on this week's Friday post that is a stunning work of art of a smoothie, by gum)

I'm not going to show you anything new OR exciting today. What I'm going to relate to you, however, are yet more bon mots from my Very Amusing Husband. I wish I could properly convey how Very Extremely Difficult it is to get any kind of healthy food into this man. If he had his way, he'd start his day with a breakfast pastry of some kind, followed by salami sandwiches and chips for lunch, with something fried for dinner, followed by a huge bowl of some kind of sugary cereal before bed.  

If he had his way.

Which he doesn't.

His favorite response when I tell him to go get some produce to have with his lunch? When I tell him to go cut up some fruit? "That sounds like too much work." We had to get a special apple slicing tool from IKEA so that the arduous task of slicing an apple would become less of a hardship for him.

ANYWAY. The other day I brightly informed him that I was making a smoothie and I would share some with him. He didn't look happy. And he looked less so when he saw me throwing a handful of oats into my Magic Bullet. (BEST KITCHEN TOOL EVER.)

Because I am so very helpful, I'll list for you his litany of moans and complaints after he drank the freshly-made-smoothie-that-included-oats......

At the outset: "You don't drink OATS."

In the middle of the smoothie: "It gets dryer the further down you drink it."

Upon completion: "I'm hungrier and thirstier then when I started."

I told him that was impossible because I had made sure to put in a nice round scoop of protein powder in the smoothie. Then I had an epiphany right after he told me that he'd much rather get his protein "from bacon, as God intended." At this point I realized that I was married to Ron Swanson.

So even though my husband would rather have Pop-Tarts and/or doughnuts for breakfast, maybe there are a few of you who might actually like my smoothie, so I'll list it down for you:

Melissa's Thirst-Inducing Breakfast Smoothie (makes 2 small glasses or 1 big glass)

1/2 cup plain greek yogurt
1/2 to 3/4 sliced banana
a handful of blueberries or strawberries
1 scoop protein powder (I use this kind)
A splash of milk (either dairy, almond, or coconut)
2 ice cubes
a few sprinkles of cinnamon
a handful of rolled oats
1/2 cup or so of water

BLEND.

He's had to drink his smoothie twice now - after the first one, I was so delighted with the hilarity of his responses, I knew I wanted to put them on the blog, but our smoothies were already gone. So I had to make more another day for photographing purposes. I thought he was going to pass out when I presented him with another one of these creations. (I make smoothies of various sorts for him all the time, but he's never had my oat smoothies before - I LOVE them! There's just a faint whiff of oat-y flavor. I find this smoothie very pleasing and maybe you will too. Are your partners this hard to feed??)




17 comments:

  1. Probably the most entertaining smoothie post I have ever read! And yes, my husband is this difficult to feed too.

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    1. There's not a lot that's new under the sun to say about smoothies, but I was laughing pretty hard watching my husband gasp and choke his smoothie down.....:)

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  2. Mark would be on the same meal plan as Andrew (and likely still weigh an appropriate amount) if I didn't mock him. Given that I'm the one that needs to lose a few pounds maybe they are on to something...... :D :D :D

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    1. Shannon, I meant to add a sentence about that - how his waist circumference is about half the size of mine! It's an outrage! and so UNFAIR. There's no justice in this world.

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  3. Haha! This was hilarious! I'm not much of a smoothie person, either, and now, I'm out of a blender. A simple piece broke on mine, but when I consulted the manufacturer's website, we discovered mine was a special Wally World-class model and I couldn't buy replacement parts. Poo. I haven't replaced it yet. I had a Magic Bullet years ago. My husband toasted it the week he discovered how great it was for making frozen margaritas. One. Week.

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    1. girlfriend. I've had mine for 15 years. FIFTEEN YEARS! that said, wooo let the margarita making begin!!

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    2. Be careful! Seriously, he killed the dang thing. I don't know how many he made that night, though. It was before we had kids...

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    3. on 2nd thought....I MUST PROTECT MY MAGIC BULLET! :)

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  4. I love everything about this post.

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    1. i really wish I had the choking and the gasping on video.....:)

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  5. Ah! My husband's new favorite TV character is Ron Swanson, too. I've been doing this cleansing smoothie thing for several months now- he tried it for one month and lost as much weight as I have since fall. Then he said "meh!" and went off it. He doesn't do well with diets, though, he gets really hangry so it's just as well. I've never tried putting oats in a smoothie- does it blend OK?

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    1. oh the oats totally blend! and they make the smoothie thicker! and adds fiber! I'm a big big fan. Ron Swanson was easily the best thing about Parks & Rec - and I'm a HUGE Chris Pratt fan. That has to be one of the best characters I've ever seen on TV.

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  6. Replies
    1. I agree. sadly, right now he would thank me to stop making him smoothies. :) #ungrateful

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  7. I adore smoothies but I haven't tried adding oats.

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